What A Shame

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye’m pretty decent at feeling my feelings, or rather, that’s what eye’d like to believe. Eye’m pretty decent until eye feel shame for it. Until eye encounter territory in which feelings are frowned upon. That’s what dating feels like in LA in 2019. In a city full of people whom no longer value getting to know someone without having six side fucks simultaneously eye feel, for the first time ever, utterly hopeless. It also doesn’t help that pretending not to have feelings is even harder for me than just expressing my undesirable ones so eventually the ‘cool girl’ thing doesn’t work anymore and eye either have to be real with the fuckboi of the moment or let it go sans closure.

“Why get involved with fuckbois?” You ask? Well, it honestly feels like all males in LA that eye seem to be attracted to fall under the ‘good guy fuckboi’ catagory. You know the type, he’s sweet, loves his mom, but he too isn’t looking to build a connection if even a friendship, he’s looking to fuck. With these men eye always end up feeling like eye lost, because in this horrific game that dating has become whomever cares least is the winner. Never have eye ever been the one to care least in most if any situations eye put myself in. Then eye ask myself, “why do eye have to look at this like a power play?” The answer to that is simple and kind of sad; because if eye see it that way maybe eye’ll play the game ‘right’ and ‘win’ this time… It doesn’t often, if ever, happen that way.

What’s the point of this blog? To help me come to terms with my shame around feeling. To help me own up to the fact that eye will never be the ‘cool girl’ if ‘cool’ means no or very little emotion. Eye may always be scared of being real about how eye feel so long as my dating environment remains the same and eye do too. Today eye have a choice, own up to a lie because eye’m embarrassed (so embarrassed that eye lied about the lie 🤦🏽‍♀️) and explain my weird behavior that stemmed from my attempts to pretend that eye don’t feel any of these things. To be honest, eye don’t know what will come of it, but that’s not the point. The point is to honor myself regardless of what others do. Maybe, just maybe, that’s a better way to play and maybe, just maybe, this way eye won’t feel like it’s always a zero sum game.

Learning to Let Go

by Mac Guerreiro

Eye hold on to things. In my childhood this manifested in holding on to literal objects. If it weren’t for my mom always making sure eye got rid of things eye would have been a total pack rat. In my adult life sometimes that manifests in relationships; for example, when someone acts in a way that eye have a hard time understanding or when eye feel there’s a lack of closure coming from the opposite end eye tend to hold on. This pattern shows itself in my relationship with food as well. Eye love the way eye feel and look when eye’m eating well, but somehow the fries and sugary drinks/treats call me back and for a second eye succumb hard core. Then find myself cleansing my way out of it because it feels like the only choice.

Eye’ve been contemplating why this is. What do eye get from holding on to these habits, people, and things? Maybe a sense of safety and familiarity. Eye know what a life with these things in it looks like and that’s comfortable. Thing is that after being “comfortable” in my less than healthy habits for a while now eye am more thrilled and curious to see what my life looks like when every decision comes from a pure intention and heart-centered place.

Surrender

By Mac Guerreiro

That’s what eye get,

For getting involved with the likes of you,

But what was eye supposed to do?

You were charming and fun,

Of course you’re that way with every one,

Can’t say eye didn’t know,

Guess eye thought eye was immune,

Eye really didn’t think this through,

Perhaps because eye wanted to trust your words,

Until it was clear that they didn’t match your actions,

Now eye bleed a bit with every empty interaction,

Empty because you act like we’re still even a sliver of a thing,

Empty because we never see one another but here you expect flirting,

At least Eye’m learning,

Learning that my boundaries suck,

That my guy intuition needs work,

Or rather eye need to listen closer,

Even though you actually came with a warning belle,

Eye didn’t listen at all,

Now eye pay the price,

Writing fuckboi poetry night after night,

Wonder when eye’ll be done,

Hopefully before Eye’m gone,

Maybe then eye’ll feel like eye’ve won,

Which is silly to even say,

Because in this game,

The one who cares least takes the cake.

A New Era

By Mac Guerreiro

She has zero fucks to give,

Or rather the fucks are reserved for a special someone,

If eye asked “for who” and you guessed “herself” you’d be the winner,

She isn’t afraid to make noise or take up space,

This is something eye admire,

And truth be told,

Holding this attitude wasn’t always my desire,

Sans consideration it can be quite dangerous,

Eye see it and it’s why eye envy it,

Eye’m tried of the way eye’ve been going,

Shrinking to a size eye’ll never fit,

It’s more tiresome than just embracing it,

This loud and spacious energy that surrounds me always,

It’s time to say fuck it,

And just fucking work it.

The Serpent

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye can feel her,
Poking her head out of the hide,
She’s been trapped inside,
And for a long time,
Her serpentine vibe,
Eye feel her when eye dance,
Or when eye walk on occasion,
Hips swaying in a sensual motion,
Eye feel the eyes she attracts without even trying,
They make parts of me uncomfortable,
Like the eyes are prying,
At what eye don’t know,
But at times it’s enough to push her away,
Tell her she’s to come back another day,
And eye feel the sting,
‘Because my fears are none of her doing,
But she gets the fire,
Occasionally it burns,
Yet time after time she returns,
Hoping to be felt and fully expressed,
Waiting for the day she’ll no longer be suppressed.

Fuck The Blame Game

by Mac Guerreiro

Eye recognize you,
How could eye not?
The platinum blond that made for a great play,
No,
Eye can't forget your face,
But wish eye could forget his name,
Then eye think,
Why is it that eye choose you to blame?
You likely just fell for his game,
Eye can't blame you,
Eye did the same,
Now eye wish eye hadn't
Still mad at myself for handing out that second chance,
Just now eye wondered if he managed to get in your pants,
Suppose it's none of my business,
But an aspect of me can't help those thoughts,
Call it masochistic,
Or perhaps his vibes still haven't left me,
Thought is a two-way street,
And even if you're not stirred to action,
It doesn't feel like you've completely let go of our interactions,
Can't believe eye'm saying this,
But eye wish you would,
So it could be game over for good.

You’re My Last

By Mac Guerreiro

The way you pretend not to feel,
Eye ask myself if you really think you’ll heal,
Then eye’m quickly reminded,
It’s none of my concern,
You’ll learn,
Eye won’t be the one to teach you though,
That’s for the best,
As far as fuckbois go,
You’re my last,
For eye’ve learned too,
Perhaps much faster than you,
Eye’ve learned that my power can’t be taken,
How every boundary set and kept makes me braver,
How my far-reaching energy can’t be contained,
How my serpentine essence won’t be tamed,
Muted maybe,
But through my choices only,
All outer influences aside,
Letting my inner voice guide,
So watch me,
Check what you helped unleash,
The raw power surging beneath,
Watch the Phoenix rise,
The breaking open of the butterfly,
And every time you think of me,
Have no doubt that you’re swiftly fading from my memory,
But don’t worry,
The lessons remain,
And to the fuckbois out there eye say,
Never again will eye be played.

Put Baby in The Corner

By Mac Guerreiro

As eye stand in the security line at the San Jose Airport listening to Lana Del Rey’s new album through my right headphone Eye’m having a profound moment of insight. Standing momentarily in a neat corner eye realize that in spite of its punitive connotation eye tend to gravitate towards corners. For instance, the establishment eye work for has beautiful seating in the front area yet my most cherished spot is in the back in a covered, low-lit room. Eye would dine there every time because it feels safe… and now that eye realize it, safe and isolated.

Eye remember when eye could identify myself with being a “social butterfly” and yet that feels like lifetimes away. It’s true that eye can strike up a conversation with nearly anyone and eye can work a room if that’s what Eye’m there to do but eye no longer seek out social situations to fulfill me on any level. At one point eye became so comfortable in my own company that the comfort of a good corner was amplified. There’s a guarantee that eye can see anyone and anything coming my way, but then again, it’s tougher to escape a corner. This is why one must be very selective of what and whom she brings into it.

At the stage Eye’m currently in Eye’m seeing the pros and cons of my cherished corner and it remains my favorite location; eye’ll tell you why. The corner is a place in which eye can watch the world around me while eye go on with being me. From the corner eye can create with inspiration from experiences that occur “out in the open.” It’s where eye can retreat to in order to celebrate or grieve. What’s best is that those that truly matter to me and whom appreciate me will always know where to find me.

A friend told me lately “I’m not sure how I can convince you that being as you are is perfect” and to that eye say alright. Eye’m ready to accept that being just as eye am and doing what stems from that is perfect. So, eye’ll be in my corner, artistically documenting this life, occasionally stepping out sometimes due to the right call made by a recognizing peer or my own will. For the last year eye’ve been in the darkness of my cocoon and now Eye’m beginning to see the light of who eye am through the chrysalis.

See you on the other side.

Making Room

by Mac Guerreiro

She was always told “you’re too much.” Her feelings, her opinions, the intensity with which she appeared to do everything. Eventually as her voice became louder, a coping mechanism for being “trapped” in a small frame, the idea became “you’re too loud.” With all of this criticism towards an energy that was as much part of her as her own left hand she began to fragment; putting pieces of herself in neat boxes that could be clearly labeled and therefore identified. Anything that didn’t qualify (loud, angry, bossy, sensitive, etc) was rejected and deeply buried into a place so dark that it would be years before the sun would rise there again.

Fast forward, she’s older now, an adult. She’s re-owned much of what she’s denied, recovered many lost children within and yet… there’s something off. It’s true that healing is an ongoing journey and one needn’t be fully healed to feel the bliss and satisfaction of being more conscious than she used to be but this feeling was… constricting. Having become aware of this constant sensation she began to take note of when it would be particularly strong. To her surprise it would occur in unexpected situations such as in a restaurant where she would be dining alone and notice the emotions of patrons across the room. She observed how quickly she was to throw her own energy outside of herself and into direct concern for the stranger and those involved the situation she knew nothing about.

She also began to notice how when she would go places she would attempt to shrink her energy. It wasn’t very effective yet it took so much effort to do so. Upon realizing this she started to ask herself “what would be so bad about stepping into my spacious energy? What would be so terrible about taking up space?” At this, parts of her cringed in fear, that constricting feeling again. That’s when she started to really understand where these lost inner children were coming from. In their world taking up too much space would have meant pure isolation. Those children still live in that world. So, with all of her magick and will she reached a hand to her heart spoke inward “You will no longer be punished for taking up space, from now on you may take up all of the room that you deem necessary and eye will help you.”

The familiar feeling of integration arises as she takes a deeper breath than she could have managed before and lets it out with a satisfied sigh. It would take practice to stand in her full power and it would be something that would bring about much discomfort at times, but she looked forward to it all. Now that she’d seen that the world is her stage and being is perfect she would no longer use her precious energy to make herself small.

Growing Pains

By Mac Guerreiro

“Don’t cheat yourself out of the growth”

He says,

One of my dearest friends though we’ve only known each other for several weeks.

He means,

“Honor these feelings, they’re teaching you something”

Trust me, Eye am learning plenty,

Even after making what eye truly believe to be the right decision the fuckboi still runs circles in my mind and in spite of the fact that running isn’t his sport of choice he’s quite excellent at it. The few times we hung out, and especially that last one when we went on a real date shows itself from time to time. His exuberant laugh and the spontaneous kisses. People may have thought of us as an actual couple. What a joke… especially when we cut to the flirty glances we’d share after such encounters juxtaposed to the radio silence of his nonexistent text messages. As eye’ve said before, our expiration came up quick and eye was still too slow to realize it. Funny how even when eye’m certain eye’ve won eye still feel like the loser. “Then how do you know you’ve won?” You ask? Because one thing does feel worse than this, and that is knowing that Eye’m letting him tether me along. Dates followed by radio silence and discrete flirting don’t qualify as an ongoing casual dating scenario in my eyes. So, eye ended it, after my last flirty text went unanswered. It was the next day and eye slipped him a note he was excited to read. Eye walked away as he did so and eye didn’t hear of the note again. His way of keeping this tether eye struggled to free myself from. If he doesn’t acknowledge it then there’s a sliver of me that remains his, right? Fuckboi logic at its finest.

Let’s not relinquish all responsibility though; eye could have been more cautious or perhaps not given him a second chance to begin with, but diving into that rabbit hole is akin to self abuse. So instead, eye look for the lessons: finally standing in my worth vs just contemplating it by taking initiative to communicate when something (he) isn’t doing it for me, realizing that casual dating doesn’t have to be as meaningless as eye originally thought, standing my ground even when his energy pokes at me like an erection that’s going ignored and threatens to reach the stage of blue balls. Just to ensure the last one eye deleted his number. Maybe it was the subtle to anyone else yet painfully obvious to me glances as he flaunted a new sexcapade in my face or the tiresome game we’d been playing since my note went ignored. Regardless of the reason, his number is gone and soon enough the fucks eye have to give will be also.

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