Pawn to Queen

By Mac Guerreiro

“Where attention goes, energy flows,”
That saying has been running through my mind lately,
It’s time eye get real about how eye feel,
What eye truly want,
They say “you like what you like,”
But eye know it’s more simple than that,
We love what we reject,
We’re drawn to it,
It pulls us closer in order to be discovered,
Uncovered,
Recovered,
But those attractions are often explosive,
And they don’t seem to last,
Or rather,
Eye seem to outgrow them fast,
They’re also usually my doing,
Meaning eye’m pursuing,
And eye’m officially done with that,
Because eye deserve better,
This means keeping a focus,
On myself,
On my health,
On my energy,
Until someone comes along that actually wants to get to know me,
Not just my body,
Men solely focused on that are a dime a dozen,
And to be honest,
Eye’m so over them,
The flirty eyes that also work the room as they talk to you,
A flirtationship that never ends,
Yet he doesn’t ask to see you again,
The suspicion that caring at all is a grave mistake,
The thick and evident air of heartbreak,
Eye used to think that eye could take that on,
Yet those were battles eye rarely won,
Because for me,
Caring isn’t simply a possibility,
It’s an inevitability,
And while they just play their game,
Eye find myself getting invested all the same,
Even when eye know it’s insane,
So,
Getting real,
How do eye really feel?
What do eye want from the unavailable ones?
To be the one that leaves them undone,
Whatever that means,
But now eye see,
It’s not worth the risk,
My heart is too tender,
Unlike his,
So we veer the attention away,
Let them watch my hips sway,
But never get close enough to touch,
For eye’m finally learning to value this heart of mine far too much.






One Out of Seven

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye have deep shame for what eye’m about to tell you, and this shame stems from an every deeper place. Discipline has always been something people say eye have so eye too became accustomed to believing that. Perhaps eye am disciplined, but lately eye haven’t felt that way in regards to my every day life. More importantly, in regards to food and cannabis. Don’t get me wrong, my version of being undisciplined likely looks much more disciplined to most than eye give myself credit for; but that’s the thing about struggles, they’re subjective. Eye’ve come to a place in which eye am ready to not be at the mercy of my food cravings which means that eye must be ready to let go of cannabis, at least for a while.

Today while on the phone with a friend eye explored this a little. What is it that eye could say eye’m addicted to when it comes to food and cannabis (more importantly the combination of the two)? In all reality eye love the act of smoking a joint; just me, the outside and a j. For a fast paced mind like mine it’s a phenomenal excuse to sit down and enjoy just being while still doing something that elicits good feelings but that allows me to reach a sense of stillness all the same. Once the joint is finished the familiar feeling of munching comes on. My mind goes to all of the places where fast food and sweets live and once there it will not leave until my body has consumed whatever the mind has conceived of and decided upon. At this point, eye’m not eating to nourish my body, but rather for pure entertainment and pleasure. Now, there’s nothing wrong with finding pleasure in food, but that’s what special occasions are for such as birthdays, holidays, lunches with friends, etc. Eating vegan donut ice cream sandwiches by myself at 2 am hardly qualifies.

After my exploration eye realized that the cannabis helps me reach some stillness while the food (prep and eating) fills my time and brings me pleasure yet takes very little brain power (this is key because my smoke-and-eat patterns seem to occur on days and nights in which eye desire to expend as little brain power as possible). Both of these payoffs could be achieved through some form of mediation and putting energy into my more mellow creative projects. This is why eye need to gain more discipline in regards to cannabis, because one puff too many and eye’m off to junk food land and once it hits my mind it’s only a matter of time till my body follows suit.

They say once you master your body you can master nearly anything, eye’m ready to know how that feels. Maybe eye’ll allow myself one joint at the end of my week, but it’s more likely eye’ll just stop for a while all together. It’s time eye call upon that aspect of me that everyone found to be so disciplined; simultaneously eye must hold compassion for and meet the needs of the aspect of me that craves that stillness and mindless productivity and pleasure.

Taking Note

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye am an attractive woman… there, eye fucking said it. As eye typed that, a little bit of me protested “that’s opinion, who do you think you are?” BLAH BLAH BLAH. Eye get where she’s coming from, this aspect that feels ashamed to point out that fact. Whooo there she goes again, the word “fact” was the trigger. Eye point out this aspect of myself because she’s the reason this blog post is being written.

For a long time and up until quite recently, eye have turned a blind eye toward my sexual energy and more importantly how it affects those around me. Being around my gay coworkers and their friends has been the encouragement my sensual goddess needed to start her journey out of hiding. You’re probably wondering how that happened and why eye chose to specify “gay coworkers.” Truth be told, no one seems to embrace all of themselves better than the gays and just being around them seems to give one permission to do the same. It’s also helpful that eye have to dress to the nines at work and complements are always floating around me about my dress, makeup, and my favorite, my body.

Now, for someone that just confessed to turning a blind eye to my sex-appeal it may seem backwards to say that body/figure complements are my favorites. Perhaps eye need to specify, when they come from gay men they are. Eye’ve been learning to see myself through their lenses, and in the process realizing that the reason eye chose to look away in the first place was due to my seeing myself through the objectifying eyes of straight men. Bet you didn’t see that coming, or maybe you did.

Yes, eye have my body image issues every now and again, but that usually has more to do with me eating shitty and seeing the bloat manifest in my face and mid section rather than issues with my body itself. My relationship with food is a whole world of topics onto their own which we’ll explore in posts to come. My point is, eye have worked for my body and to have that recognized by men whom have no interest in interacting with it in a sexual way makes the recognition non-debatable.

It’s this way that bit by bit my Sensual Serpentine Queen has been gaining the courage to slither out of her hide. Eye now notice straight men looking, their energy taking note of mine. More than just that, eye FEEL more like a sexual being than eye ever have before. This results in my being much more revering of my sexual energy and of my body in general. It’s a new frontier and the development will continue, but one thing is for sure. This Serpent Queen is done hiding and the coy girl in me is finally ready to accept that.

The Queen of Procrastination

By Mac Guerreiro

As eye sit here on the miniature couch in my living room with “Shameless” paused on the TV eye contemplate how eye often betray myself in the most covert way. Eye’m speaking about procrastination. Now, it’s important to note that eye’ve been a procrastinator for as long as eye can remember. Eye was that kid that waited until the very last minute to compete a project and when eye finally did it would be as the sun came up the day that said project was due. Now, as an adult, that manifests in other ways. For example: eye lay on the couch watching Shameless when eye could be setting up for the podcast, eye put off doing laundry until eye run out of underwear (eye have A LOT of underwear, and even more clothes 😅). Those are just a couple of ways, and granted the first one is largely dependent on other variables, but that’s a topic for another blog. All in all Eye’m here, Eye’m writing. Thanks for reading.

Wild

by Mac Guerreiro inspired by “Stay Wild” by Hirie

Untamed but not careless,
Of the Earth and of the Sky,
"Queen of The Night,"
Watch her rise,
Rekindling the fire once blown out,
She's emerging,
Like a storm with violent clouds,
In her wake she leaves beauty,
The water cleansing all that no longer serves,
And in her eyes it's clear to see,
She knows her worth.

Feminism vs Biology?

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye’ve always been one to take action, go for the things eye want. This has also translated in the way eye approach the opposite sex. Never being what one would classify as a “shy” girl eye didn’t see the big deal in letting a man know that eye’m interested. In fact, when the big wave of feminism that demanded “women to try to be just as good as men in all the same things” hit eye stuck even more to my strategy. My thought was, “if he can’t take a woman that knows what she wants and goes after it, he’s not for me.” To a degree, eye still feel that way, but much has changed as well.

As eye matured and learned about this little thing called biology and the energetic flow of all things in the universe my viewpoint began shifting. At first eye rejected it all together, this idea that Mother Nature has wired women to be the prey and men to be the hunters. Eye didn’t want to accept it (although much like gravity, it affects you regardless of your acceptance of it) because being a hunter came easily to me and seemed to work very well in all other aspects of my life. Of course, when it came to men that was the complete opposite. Eye still got asked out, men approached me, but the moment eye realized their interest in me eye would shift into hunter mode. This would cause things to to deescalate and fizzle out quickly and eye couldn’t see why to save my life. Another caveat of shifting into pursuit mode is realizing that you’re unsure of whether he’s still around because he wants to be or because you’re making it such an easy option. Why would a man deny a fun, sexy female that also chases after him? He won’t until another female catches his eye and if he has to chase her you can bet your ass he’ll leave you real quick, because let’s be real, valuable things take more effort than eye was allowing men to put in.

Finally, eye realized that biology or not, eye just didn’t want to be the one pursuing anymore; eye want to KNOW that a man craves my time and attention. The only way to be sure is to allow myself to be pursued. This mentality is also the best way to weed out the fuckbois, because they will not put effort into something that’s even remotely challenging and chasing an alpha female definitely isn’t a passive endeavor.

All in all, eye’m all for feminism because eye believe that in many situations men and women are equal, but also in many situations we are not. The same way eye don’t expect a baby to anticipate the mother’s needs as the mother does for said baby eye don’t expect myself to do the hunting when eye am not the hunter. It’s a new world, and eye believe that to recognize the true order of things we need to swing to extremes, but eventually we come back to center and the truth of this universe is that everything functions in the flow of yin and yang (feminine and masculine) and unless we honor that flow we are living in resistance.

Building A Harbor

By Mac Guerreiro

An island onto myself is what eye tend to be. Where people eye know seem to be good at remembering birthdays, keeping in touch and being a social person eye often fail. My energy on the other hand appears to reach far and eye credit this to my keeping friends for years even after we’re no longer in the same geographical vicinity. This doesn’t mean that eye don’t often feel like a failure as a friend. When eye see others gushing on Instagram because their bestie is having a birthday week eye can’t help but self-reflect on the fact that eye have the hardest time even remembering birthdays. Granted, dates have never been my forte when it comes to memorization. Perhaps eye’m a little too hard on myself, but on the flip side, eye know eye can do better.

In order to do better, however, eye need to only take on what eye can handle and that means prioritizing certain people. This is tough because eye want to be able to remember everyone’s special day especially connections that once were solid yet now lay on an acquaintance foundation. Eye want all of those whom have impacted me positively to know that they didn’t fade from my heart; come to think of it eye can always extend my energy their way. Those whom are present though, eye want to do more for them. Eye’ve come up with a couple of things that eye feel good about: saving their birthdays on my phone under their contact (Einstein even said, don’t waste brain power memorizing what you can look up) and come their special day (or randomly) send them a letter expressing my gratitude for their presence in my life. This feels manageable, heartfelt and unique to the way eye express love.

It’s okay to be my own island, but eye must remember the social nature of the species eye’ve chosen to incarnate into. For that reason eye’m committed to being an island with a thriving harbor.

She’s Here

by Mac Guerreiro

There's something about the way she moves,
Not just her gait or the way her eyes scan the room,
It's everything,
Every little movement alerts you,
Her nonchalance accompanied by a great attention to detail,
The way her lips part when she smiles,
The way she makes you look back because you don't want to miss a beat,
There's mystery shrouded in attractive vulnerability,
Femininity in all of its magnetic force,
Her energy invites you,
But there's no guarantee,
Alphas don't come freely,
They must be courted,
Treated accordingly,
She stays put and smiles knowingly.




Game Changer

By Mac Guerreiro

So it starts,
Yet it’s already ended,
Eye feel so free,
All eye needed to do was surrender to being me,
Give as many chances as eye need,
To really see you,
Though eye’m working on giving few in times to come,
My discernment improving with each one,
This will drive you nuts,
You didn’t expect to be cast back in the cold,
But even though this game is old,
It’s the most fun for me to play,
Thought eye ignored you before?
Get ready to never even see my eyes glance your way.
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