Building A Harbor

By Mac Guerreiro

An island onto myself is what eye tend to be. Where people eye know seem to be good at remembering birthdays, keeping in touch and being a social person eye often fail. My energy on the other hand appears to reach far and eye credit this to my keeping friends for years even after we’re no longer in the same geographical vicinity. This doesn’t mean that eye don’t often feel like a failure as a friend. When eye see others gushing on Instagram because their bestie is having a birthday week eye can’t help but self-reflect on the fact that eye have the hardest time even remembering birthdays. Granted, dates have never been my forte when it comes to memorization. Perhaps eye’m a little too hard on myself, but on the flip side, eye know eye can do better.

In order to do better, however, eye need to only take on what eye can handle and that means prioritizing certain people. This is tough because eye want to be able to remember everyone’s special day especially connections that once were solid yet now lay on an acquaintance foundation. Eye want all of those whom have impacted me positively to know that they didn’t fade from my heart; come to think of it eye can always extend my energy their way. Those whom are present though, eye want to do more for them. Eye’ve come up with a couple of things that eye feel good about: saving their birthdays on my phone under their contact (Einstein even said, don’t waste brain power memorizing what you can look up) and come their special day (or randomly) send them a letter expressing my gratitude for their presence in my life. This feels manageable, heartfelt and unique to the way eye express love.

It’s okay to be my own island, but eye must remember the social nature of the species eye’ve chosen to incarnate into. For that reason eye’m committed to being an island with a thriving harbor.

She’s Here

by Mac Guerreiro

There's something about the way she moves,
Not just her gait or the way her eyes scan the room,
It's everything,
Every little movement alerts you,
Her nonchalance accompanied by a great attention to detail,
The way her lips part when she smiles,
The way she makes you look back because you don't want to miss a beat,
There's mystery shrouded in attractive vulnerability,
Femininity in all of its magnetic force,
Her energy invites you,
But there's no guarantee,
Alphas don't come freely,
They must be courted,
Treated accordingly,
She stays put and smiles knowingly.




Game Changer

By Mac Guerreiro

So it starts,
Yet it’s already ended,
Eye feel so free,
All eye needed to do was surrender to being me,
Give as many chances as eye need,
To really see you,
Though eye’m working on giving few in times to come,
My discernment improving with each one,
This will drive you nuts,
You didn’t expect to be cast back in the cold,
But even though this game is old,
It’s the most fun for me to play,
Thought eye ignored you before?
Get ready to never even see my eyes glance your way.

What A Shame

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye’m pretty decent at feeling my feelings, or rather, that’s what eye’d like to believe. Eye’m pretty decent until eye feel shame for it. Until eye encounter territory in which feelings are frowned upon. That’s what dating feels like in LA in 2019. In a city full of people whom no longer value getting to know someone without having six side fucks simultaneously eye feel, for the first time ever, utterly hopeless. It also doesn’t help that pretending not to have feelings is even harder for me than just expressing my undesirable ones so eventually the ‘cool girl’ thing doesn’t work anymore and eye either have to be real with the fuckboi of the moment or let it go sans closure.

“Why get involved with fuckbois?” You ask? Well, it honestly feels like all males in LA that eye seem to be attracted to fall under the ‘good guy fuckboi’ catagory. You know the type, he’s sweet, loves his mom, but he too isn’t looking to build a connection if even a friendship, he’s looking to fuck. With these men eye always end up feeling like eye lost, because in this horrific game that dating has become whomever cares least is the winner. Never have eye ever been the one to care least in most if any situations eye put myself in. Then eye ask myself, “why do eye have to look at this like a power play?” The answer to that is simple and kind of sad; because if eye see it that way maybe eye’ll play the game ‘right’ and ‘win’ this time… It doesn’t often, if ever, happen that way.

What’s the point of this blog? To help me come to terms with my shame around feeling. To help me own up to the fact that eye will never be the ‘cool girl’ if ‘cool’ means no or very little emotion. Eye may always be scared of being real about how eye feel so long as my dating environment remains the same and eye do too. Today eye have a choice, own up to a lie because eye’m embarrassed (so embarrassed that eye lied about the lie 🤦🏽‍♀️) and explain my weird behavior that stemmed from my attempts to pretend that eye don’t feel any of these things. To be honest, eye don’t know what will come of it, but that’s not the point. The point is to honor myself regardless of what others do. Maybe, just maybe, that’s a better way to play and maybe, just maybe, this way eye won’t feel like it’s always a zero sum game.

Learning to Let Go

by Mac Guerreiro

Eye hold on to things. In my childhood this manifested in holding on to literal objects. If it weren’t for my mom always making sure eye got rid of things eye would have been a total pack rat. In my adult life sometimes that manifests in relationships; for example, when someone acts in a way that eye have a hard time understanding or when eye feel there’s a lack of closure coming from the opposite end eye tend to hold on. This pattern shows itself in my relationship with food as well. Eye love the way eye feel and look when eye’m eating well, but somehow the fries and sugary drinks/treats call me back and for a second eye succumb hard core. Then find myself cleansing my way out of it because it feels like the only choice.

Eye’ve been contemplating why this is. What do eye get from holding on to these habits, people, and things? Maybe a sense of safety and familiarity. Eye know what a life with these things in it looks like and that’s comfortable. Thing is that after being “comfortable” in my less than healthy habits for a while now eye am more thrilled and curious to see what my life looks like when every decision comes from a pure intention and heart-centered place.

Surrender

By Mac Guerreiro

That’s what eye get,

For getting involved with the likes of you,

But what was eye supposed to do?

You were charming and fun,

Of course you’re that way with every one,

Can’t say eye didn’t know,

Guess eye thought eye was immune,

Eye really didn’t think this through,

Perhaps because eye wanted to trust your words,

Until it was clear that they didn’t match your actions,

Now eye bleed a bit with every empty interaction,

Empty because you act like we’re still even a sliver of a thing,

Empty because we never see one another but here you expect flirting,

At least Eye’m learning,

Learning that my boundaries suck,

That my guy intuition needs work,

Or rather eye need to listen closer,

Even though you actually came with a warning belle,

Eye didn’t listen at all,

Now eye pay the price,

Writing fuckboi poetry night after night,

Wonder when eye’ll be done,

Hopefully before Eye’m gone,

Maybe then eye’ll feel like eye’ve won,

Which is silly to even say,

Because in this game,

The one who cares least takes the cake.

A New Era

By Mac Guerreiro

She has zero fucks to give,

Or rather the fucks are reserved for a special someone,

If eye asked “for who” and you guessed “herself” you’d be the winner,

She isn’t afraid to make noise or take up space,

This is something eye admire,

And truth be told,

Holding this attitude wasn’t always my desire,

Sans consideration it can be quite dangerous,

Eye see it and it’s why eye envy it,

Eye’m tried of the way eye’ve been going,

Shrinking to a size eye’ll never fit,

It’s more tiresome than just embracing it,

This loud and spacious energy that surrounds me always,

It’s time to say fuck it,

And just fucking work it.

The Serpent

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye can feel her,
Poking her head out of the hide,
She’s been trapped inside,
And for a long time,
Her serpentine vibe,
Eye feel her when eye dance,
Or when eye walk on occasion,
Hips swaying in a sensual motion,
Eye feel the eyes she attracts without even trying,
They make parts of me uncomfortable,
Like the eyes are prying,
At what eye don’t know,
But at times it’s enough to push her away,
Tell her she’s to come back another day,
And eye feel the sting,
‘Because my fears are none of her doing,
But she gets the fire,
Occasionally it burns,
Yet time after time she returns,
Hoping to be felt and fully expressed,
Waiting for the day she’ll no longer be suppressed.

Fuck The Blame Game

by Mac Guerreiro

Eye recognize you,
How could eye not?
The platinum blond that made for a great play,
No,
Eye can't forget your face,
But wish eye could forget his name,
Then eye think,
Why is it that eye choose you to blame?
You likely just fell for his game,
Eye can't blame you,
Eye did the same,
Now eye wish eye hadn't
Still mad at myself for handing out that second chance,
Just now eye wondered if he managed to get in your pants,
Suppose it's none of my business,
But an aspect of me can't help those thoughts,
Call it masochistic,
Or perhaps his vibes still haven't left me,
Thought is a two-way street,
And even if you're not stirred to action,
It doesn't feel like you've completely let go of our interactions,
Can't believe eye'm saying this,
But eye wish you would,
So it could be game over for good.

You’re My Last

By Mac Guerreiro

The way you pretend not to feel,
Eye ask myself if you really think you’ll heal,
Then eye’m quickly reminded,
It’s none of my concern,
You’ll learn,
Eye won’t be the one to teach you though,
That’s for the best,
As far as fuckbois go,
You’re my last,
For eye’ve learned too,
Perhaps much faster than you,
Eye’ve learned that my power can’t be taken,
How every boundary set and kept makes me braver,
How my far-reaching energy can’t be contained,
How my serpentine essence won’t be tamed,
Muted maybe,
But through my choices only,
All outer influences aside,
Letting my inner voice guide,
So watch me,
Check what you helped unleash,
The raw power surging beneath,
Watch the Phoenix rise,
The breaking open of the butterfly,
And every time you think of me,
Have no doubt that you’re swiftly fading from my memory,
But don’t worry,
The lessons remain,
And to the fuckbois out there eye say,
Never again will eye be played.
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