Hole

By Mac Guerreiro

Everything is fine,
So why do eye feel hollow inside?
It hurts,
And sleep feels a lifetime away,
Eye was looking forward to ending this day,
No such luck,
Maybe enough encouragement and my eyes will shut,
Maybe if tears flow the heaviness will wain,
How can an empty hole hold so much pain?

Why?

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye know you didn’t say it for me,
That you were just expressing,
In a perfect world,
If eye were a perfect girl,
Eye wouldn’t be phased,
Eye’d recognize how eye can only grow at my own pace,
And that fucking up is okay,
But eye don’t live in that reality,
The one eye live in is more shaky,
Eye’m working to make it more stable,
Comments like that just lead me to feel disabled,
And maybe eye am,
To a degree,
And eye keep reminding myself that comment wasn’t said to hurt me,
But eye keep going back to,
Why say it like that then?
When you seem to know controlling isn’t ever a conscious intention?
And Eye’m trying to not feel like shit,
As the words replay,
“I’m sick of it.”

As Eye Will

By Mac Guerreiro

“Take that as you will,”
He said,
And eye wonder if he noticed the blade in his words,
Or maybe my skin is just too soft,
It always has been,
And eye’ve always internalized so easily,
Especially when eye feel futility,
And what am eye to feel here if not that,
When Eye’m doing my best,
Maybe eye can do better,
Eye can try,
God help me fucking cry,
Because in truth there is no control,
Or else why would eye try to?
To piss you off?
Just for fun?
Because it’s not the challenge of my life to stop,
Eye suppose eye don’t deserve a gentler approach,
And eye don’t expect one,
Just gotta remind myself Eye’m not a hopeless person,
Eye can grow and learn,
Even when it’s not fast enough,
And you’re “sick of” my subconscious doing the one thing it’s always done,
The hardest battle inside,
Far from being won,
But thank you for letting me know,
How sick of it you are,
Hopefully it made you feel better to get that off your chest,
Eye wonder if you even considered that eye may have already known that,
That eye’m trying,
And eye felt like eye was improving too,
Maybe it doesn’t look that way to you.

Mother

By Mac Guerreiro

It was brief and meaningful,
Our nighttime encounters often are,
And as eye ran towards her,
Eye was faced with the first time,
Another life,
Eons ago,
One eye feel daily yet may never know,
She cleansed my vessel,
And sent me on my way,
My soul and body reunited once again.

Us

By Mac Guerreiro

And there we were,
The two of us united,
Enacting the “Endgame Plan,”
Hearing our other team members “assemble,”
Forgetting their sibling rivalries,
And workin together to “defeat,”
Their common enemy,
You and me,
The moment hit my heart,
A real possibility,
Sometimes eye think on it,
You’re wanting to do this,
And the feelings are overwhelming,
Because eye’ve always known the truth,
That eye’ve been a long time,
Long time,
Searching for you.

Hard Learning

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye should have known better,
Eye can honor that,
Eye supposed eye just didn’t expect it,
For your limited views of something to obscure your knowledge of me,
The years of friendship,
Of growing,
Of learning,
Of being ourselves unapologetically,
It’s clear now,
Because you felt the need to clarify,
As if who eye am wasn’t enough,
Enough to let you know that a girls’ weekend isn’t the same as your day,
That eye would never bring or do anything that would cause you shame,
Eye made a mistake by sharing what eye did,
But it showed me where we stand,
You said you love and honor me but your warnings showed a shadow,
One in which you have to make sure eye don’t go off the handle,
As if eye didn’t already know,
As if the circumstance wasn’t special,
Which eye know how special it is,
But my sharing what eye did,
Caused it all to flip,
Eye love you dearly yet Eye’m so hurt,
Because your biased knowledge of something lead your perception of me to be curbed,
To the point in which we couldn’t even have this chat on the phone,
It was over a text,
Eye really wish who eye am had been enough to give you context.

Shut Off

By Mac Guerreiro

The dead plants have become a fixture,
The boxes too,
And now add the clothes and the dishes,
They won’t get done,
Not tonight,
Eye’ve barely enough energy to set myself right,
As right as eye’ll get,
We’ll see how much that is,
Eye’d like to think eye’ll do it all,
The repotting,
The washing,
The throwing away,
But knowing me eye won’t have that energy,
So eye need to decide what’s more important,
What NEEDS doing,
And those decisions feel impossible to make,
When eye can’t think,
Just feel,
Overwhelmed,
Overrun,
Incapable,
And now powerless too,
Eye just want to shut this all off,
My mind and my
Heart too.

3 AM

By Mac Guerreiro

My jaw is tight,
Eye look around and you’re gone,
We didn’t mean to fall asleep for one,
For two,
It felt good,
But then you leave and it’s just me and anxiety,
About the mess that’s everywhere,
The dishes that aren’t done,
The water that needs to be run,
But doing it now isn’t going to solve anything,
Eye’ll be anxiety itself buzzing,
Tiring myself out in the worst way,
Because there’s no getting it done positively from this place,
It’s on me,
Eye should have set an alarm,
Again,
Now it’s too late,
At 3 am.

Bricks

By Mac Guerreiro

It’s just a unpacking,
It’s not that much,
But it is,
And it hits me like tons of bricks,
Because my dishes aren’t done either,
And it feels that eye have no time,
It feels that it has to be done now,
Because eye can’t think with the chaos around,
Even though it’s my own creation,
My heart accelerates,
Eye start to hyperventilate,
What to do now?
When Eye’m already on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Forward

By Mac Guerreiro

What does progress look like?
Like choosing differently,
Standing still,
Where you would have stirred before,
Progress looks like finally seeing an open door,
It can look like shifting your gaze,
Seeing things in a different way,
But one thing is certain,
It seldom looks the same.
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