3 AM

By Mac Guerreiro

My jaw is tight,
Eye look around and you’re gone,
We didn’t mean to fall asleep for one,
For two,
It felt good,
But then you leave and it’s just me and anxiety,
About the mess that’s everywhere,
The dishes that aren’t done,
The water that needs to be run,
But doing it now isn’t going to solve anything,
Eye’ll be anxiety itself buzzing,
Tiring myself out in the worst way,
Because there’s no getting it done positively from this place,
It’s on me,
Eye should have set an alarm,
Again,
Now it’s too late,
At 3 am.

Bricks

By Mac Guerreiro

It’s just a unpacking,
It’s not that much,
But it is,
And it hits me like tons of bricks,
Because my dishes aren’t done either,
And it feels that eye have no time,
It feels that it has to be done now,
Because eye can’t think with the chaos around,
Even though it’s my own creation,
My heart accelerates,
Eye start to hyperventilate,
What to do now?
When Eye’m already on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Forward

By Mac Guerreiro

What does progress look like?
Like choosing differently,
Standing still,
Where you would have stirred before,
Progress looks like finally seeing an open door,
It can look like shifting your gaze,
Seeing things in a different way,
But one thing is certain,
It seldom looks the same.

Chill

By Mac Guerreiro

It’s so cold,
The shadow you cast,
Eye have a really hard time with that,
Even when eye feel eye deserve it,
When eye’ve earned it,
The chill reaches my core,
And eye don’t know if we’re okay anymore,
It’s so cold in the shadow you cast,
And Eye’m faced with a fact,
Eye can’t rely on your sun,
Eye have to create my own,
No amount of apologies feel like enough,
When Eye’m seemingly estranged from your love.

Weak

By Mac Guerreiro

Sometimes eye wish you didn’t read this,
Eye’d be spared some feelings of people pleasing,
Eye’d be free of thoughts that keep me from writing,
Writing the stuff that sucks,
The stuff eye only write when it won’t remain inside,
Because Eye’m dramatic,
Eye always have been,
When every emotion is so big this happens,
Then tac on the neglect,
Drama,
How am eye to escape that,
Eye can’t,
Not within me anyway,
Not today,
You say we’re okay,
Parts of me won’t believe it,
Not yet,
Because it’s not safe,
Because “we’re okay” doesn’t seem to mean you’ll stay,
My logical brain,
Tries to calm me down,
But these parts don’t listen,
Not ever and not now,
So eye’ll hug myself close,
And just wait,
Because Eye’m weak in this regard,
Always expecting the worst card,
The Tower,
Where it all falls apart,
And when Eye’m wrong,
And eye live to love you another day,
Eye still can’t seem to convince myself you’ll stay,
Eye don’t know how much time it’ll take,
Eye don’t know how long you’ll remain,
Guess eye’ll see,
Damn,
Eye feel so weak.

Uncharted

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye’m going to bed soon,
Do eye call you?
We’re not fighting,
But last we talked you weren’t happy with me,
Rightfully,
And eye want to give you your space,
Eye could text,
Just to say goodnight,
But eye don’t know if even that feels right,
So eye write this instead,
To get it all out of my head,
Eye don’t know what eye’ll do,
But Eye’m leaning towards leaving you be,
Hoping,
Trusting you’ll come to me when you’re ready,
If you’re reading,
As you do,
Eye love you.

Eye Do

By Mac Guerreiro

You tell me eye don’t need to apologize,
But it doesn’t feel right,
Because you’re letting me know eye hurt you,
Unintentionally of course,
But it still hurts,
And you’re so valid to feel that way,
But then to downplay,
No need to say sorry,
Just going through my own shit,
Really?
Because you’re speaking like you do when you want to leave me over it,
When you’re at your wits end,
It’s already hard for me to tell,
With my traumatized alarm bells,
Then the shame rushes in too,
Because Eye’m not supposed to be afraid to lose you,
Something eye truly don’t know how to do,
It’s unattractive,
Eye know,
And eye wish it were in my control,
But it’s not,
And when it feels like this monumental fear is coming true,
All eye can do is apologize to you,
Because eye see how this all hits,
How affected you are by it,
By the shit Eye’m learning to handle,
By my struggles which are ample,
And eye want you to stay,
Because Eye’m improving every day,
And eye want you to be here to see,
The woman you’re helping me be,
So eye say Eye’m sorry,
Eye show you that eye can tell,
How hard this all is for you,
And without saying the words,
Eye ask you to stay,
Eye seek to find out if we are okay,
Or if eye need to plan for my heart to break,
And then you say eye don’t need to say sorry,
Well,
Here’s the whole story.

Hopeless

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye’m a woman,
What else can eye say?
Fear is ingrained into me,
Compounded by trauma,
Time after time,
It runs my subconscious mind,
Eye’m healing,
Eye’m growing,
Of that Eye’m sure,
But it takes time for such aspects to mature,
Eye don’t want this,
To react this way,
To freak out,
But that’s how it is right now,
It used to be so much worse,
But that doesn’t seem to matter at all,
Maybe the only way eye grow is alone,
Because then eye can be gentle with myself,
Not afraid that Eye’m too much for someone else,
Not afraid of every mistake eye make,
Especially the ones eye really can’t help and even end up handling well,
But it’s too late,
Eye’m already afraid,
And that alone pushes you away,
My heart is fluttering,
Eye want to throw up,
Because mistakes like these equal breakups,
They always have,
And Eye’m so sad,
Because eye don’t want you to just be a part of my past,
Eye get where you’re coming from,
Eye really do,
All of the shit that scares you,
Eye live with too,
Up close and personal,
Healing takes time,
And for once Eye’m allowing myself that,
It would be really nice if you could too,
Because eye want to heal for me,
But eye also want to heal to better lead a life with you,
But healing is hard when the space isn’t safe,
When every mistake warrants a break,
No matter how eye handle it or not,
Feels no different from the perfectionist ways eye was taught,
The ways that created all the things you hate,
The things that make you wanna walk away,
Eye’m hopeless,
Because Eye’m doing all that eye can,
It doesn’t feel like enough,
But it’s all that eye can,
Eye will grow,
Eye am,
Eye hope you’re still down to be my man.

Cracks

By Mac Guerreiro

Maybe you’re right,
What you said last night,
Maybe this should end,
We could be friends,
Friend,
Eye remember when,
That word started falling short,
When eye finally saw,
Saw what eye’d missed many times before,
The longing,
The wishing,
The wanting to be “her,”
What a different time that was,
Eye love you with all of my soul,
Maybe that means eye need to let you go.
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