Put Baby in The Corner

By Mac Guerreiro

As eye stand in the security line at the San Jose Airport listening to Lana Del Rey’s new album through my right headphone Eye’m having a profound moment of insight. Standing momentarily in a neat corner eye realize that in spite of its punitive connotation eye tend to gravitate towards corners. For instance, the establishment eye work for has beautiful seating in the front area yet my most cherished spot is in the back in a covered, low-lit room. Eye would dine there every time because it feels safe… and now that eye realize it, safe and isolated.

Eye remember when eye could identify myself with being a “social butterfly” and yet that feels like lifetimes away. It’s true that eye can strike up a conversation with nearly anyone and eye can work a room if that’s what Eye’m there to do but eye no longer seek out social situations to fulfill me on any level. At one point eye became so comfortable in my own company that the comfort of a good corner was amplified. There’s a guarantee that eye can see anyone and anything coming my way, but then again, it’s tougher to escape a corner. This is why one must be very selective of what and whom she brings into it.

At the stage Eye’m currently in Eye’m seeing the pros and cons of my cherished corner and it remains my favorite location; eye’ll tell you why. The corner is a place in which eye can watch the world around me while eye go on with being me. From the corner eye can create with inspiration from experiences that occur “out in the open.” It’s where eye can retreat to in order to celebrate or grieve. What’s best is that those that truly matter to me and whom appreciate me will always know where to find me.

A friend told me lately “I’m not sure how I can convince you that being as you are is perfect” and to that eye say alright. Eye’m ready to accept that being just as eye am and doing what stems from that is perfect. So, eye’ll be in my corner, artistically documenting this life, occasionally stepping out sometimes due to the right call made by a recognizing peer or my own will. For the last year eye’ve been in the darkness of my cocoon and now Eye’m beginning to see the light of who eye am through the chrysalis.

See you on the other side.

Making Room

by Mac Guerreiro

She was always told “you’re too much.” Her feelings, her opinions, the intensity with which she appeared to do everything. Eventually as her voice became louder, a coping mechanism for being “trapped” in a small frame, the idea became “you’re too loud.” With all of this criticism towards an energy that was as much part of her as her own left hand she began to fragment; putting pieces of herself in neat boxes that could be clearly labeled and therefore identified. Anything that didn’t qualify (loud, angry, bossy, sensitive, etc) was rejected and deeply buried into a place so dark that it would be years before the sun would rise there again.

Fast forward, she’s older now, an adult. She’s re-owned much of what she’s denied, recovered many lost children within and yet… there’s something off. It’s true that healing is an ongoing journey and one needn’t be fully healed to feel the bliss and satisfaction of being more conscious than she used to be but this feeling was… constricting. Having become aware of this constant sensation she began to take note of when it would be particularly strong. To her surprise it would occur in unexpected situations such as in a restaurant where she would be dining alone and notice the emotions of patrons across the room. She observed how quickly she was to throw her own energy outside of herself and into direct concern for the stranger and those involved the situation she knew nothing about.

She also began to notice how when she would go places she would attempt to shrink her energy. It wasn’t very effective yet it took so much effort to do so. Upon realizing this she started to ask herself “what would be so bad about stepping into my spacious energy? What would be so terrible about taking up space?” At this, parts of her cringed in fear, that constricting feeling again. That’s when she started to really understand where these lost inner children were coming from. In their world taking up too much space would have meant pure isolation. Those children still live in that world. So, with all of her magick and will she reached a hand to her heart spoke inward “You will no longer be punished for taking up space, from now on you may take up all of the room that you deem necessary and eye will help you.”

The familiar feeling of integration arises as she takes a deeper breath than she could have managed before and lets it out with a satisfied sigh. It would take practice to stand in her full power and it would be something that would bring about much discomfort at times, but she looked forward to it all. Now that she’d seen that the world is her stage and being is perfect she would no longer use her precious energy to make herself small.

Growing Pains

By Mac Guerreiro

“Don’t cheat yourself out of the growth”

He says,

One of my dearest friends though we’ve only known each other for several weeks.

He means,

“Honor these feelings, they’re teaching you something”

Trust me, Eye am learning plenty,

Even after making what eye truly believe to be the right decision the fuckboi still runs circles in my mind and in spite of the fact that running isn’t his sport of choice he’s quite excellent at it. The few times we hung out, and especially that last one when we went on a real date shows itself from time to time. His exuberant laugh and the spontaneous kisses. People may have thought of us as an actual couple. What a joke… especially when we cut to the flirty glances we’d share after such encounters juxtaposed to the radio silence of his nonexistent text messages. As eye’ve said before, our expiration came up quick and eye was still too slow to realize it. Funny how even when eye’m certain eye’ve won eye still feel like the loser. “Then how do you know you’ve won?” You ask? Because one thing does feel worse than this, and that is knowing that Eye’m letting him tether me along. Dates followed by radio silence and discrete flirting don’t qualify as an ongoing casual dating scenario in my eyes. So, eye ended it, after my last flirty text went unanswered. It was the next day and eye slipped him a note he was excited to read. Eye walked away as he did so and eye didn’t hear of the note again. His way of keeping this tether eye struggled to free myself from. If he doesn’t acknowledge it then there’s a sliver of me that remains his, right? Fuckboi logic at its finest.

Let’s not relinquish all responsibility though; eye could have been more cautious or perhaps not given him a second chance to begin with, but diving into that rabbit hole is akin to self abuse. So instead, eye look for the lessons: finally standing in my worth vs just contemplating it by taking initiative to communicate when something (he) isn’t doing it for me, realizing that casual dating doesn’t have to be as meaningless as eye originally thought, standing my ground even when his energy pokes at me like an erection that’s going ignored and threatens to reach the stage of blue balls. Just to ensure the last one eye deleted his number. Maybe it was the subtle to anyone else yet painfully obvious to me glances as he flaunted a new sexcapade in my face or the tiresome game we’d been playing since my note went ignored. Regardless of the reason, his number is gone and soon enough the fucks eye have to give will be also.

Lightly Bruised

by Mac Guerreiro

You grazed my dreamscape again.
It drives me insane how you go about your day,
Not an ounce of thought my way,
Suppressed ones don't count,
Or do they?
But maybe this is a gaslight,
And eye'm doing it to myself,
Pretending to be oblivious to the vibes eye get from you,
To the subtle cues,
The glance my way as you're ushering in your new sexcapade,
The hug goodbye that hangs on little too tight,
The looks in my direction that avoid my eyes,
Eye notice it all,
Eye also notice that you don't call,
Lucky for me eye have a few days to get away,
Cleanse myself from your energy,
Soon eye'll see you again,
Let's hope eye give less fucks by then.

No More

by Mac Guerreiro

Y'all are so lazy these days,
Give her your number then you don't have to do a thing,
No courting or going out on a limb,
What the fuck happened?
Truly paralyzed by your fear of rejection?
Or maybe so complacent with how we've become,
Literally taking crumbs,
Well not this one,
Not anymore,
After time and time again eye've learned my lesson,
Entertain no less than eye deserve,
Realizing the power in being a female,
A walking force of creativity,
We've forgotten our divinity,
Even biology states our parts in this game,
The peacock shows its colors,
She decides between him and the others,
The lion sounds his roar,
And the lioness determines if it's up to par,
Humans are no different,
But we've lost our way,
You take your time contemplating,
Just don't expect me to stay.

Boys Will Be Bois

by Mac Guerreiro

Why did you have to do that?
Why did you have to go and be a boy,
Treating me like some toy you can play with on a whim?
No,
That's not happening,
Now we can't play at all,
Not even a little,
Not even small,
And it sucks,
It sucks because we had fun,
Massages and kisses aside,
Eye really liked your vibe,
And it felt like you liked mine,
But you caught me at an interesting time,
Eye no longer settle for less than eye deserve,
And eye have you to thank for that valuable lesson learned,
But god damn it dude,
Why?
And eye know my body's just your type,
Yours is also mine,
So what are we gonna do?
Me,
Nothing,
As you say "it's up to you"
Classic fuckboi move,
Get rid of the ball as soon as you can,
That way you can avoid being a man,
You'll come around again one day,
But eye won't wait,
Which is why eye said goodbye,
And it's time to let it go,
But hey,
At least you get to enjoy the show.

The Indifference Onset Begins

by Mac Guerreiro

Eye've accepted that your energy will remain for a bit,
Eye'll notice it,
At least for a while longer,
How you look at me with a hint of puppy eyes,
Sulking because eye told you goodbye,
This little dance that'll likely never advance,
You and eye,
Our expiration came up quick,
And eye was still too late to realize it,
You didn't like my call,
Oh well,
In giving it eye gave up your goodbyes,
The potential of looking in your eyes and sharing an inside joke,
Now you'll complement me but it'll feel empty,
Because my farewell was left hanging,
And it's true eye didn't do it for you,
But part of me wishes eye didn't have to,
That this would go on,
And you'd take the lead,
That you hadn't shown that you don't deserve me.

Hate That Eye Care…

by Mac Guerreiro

Eye stay off of Instagram,
Because eye know that even there we aren't friends,
And the temptation to search your name is overwhelming,
You always said you "never go on it,"
But eye always felt that was a lie,
You could follow me,
You just choose otherwise,
And at this point if it's for better or worse eye don't know,
But it amazes me that your virtual absence consumes my mind,
Wonder if these feelings are returned in kind,
Now the IG may be the only place that you'll See me,
And it's just a matter of time,
Till the notion of you completely escapes my mind.

Swing

by Mac Guerreiro

Swinging hips,
They don't even try,
But they catch your eye,
Subtle or not eye won't turn to check,
Nah fuck that,
Because eye know you peek,
And eye didn't mind,
The looks were occasionally returned in kind,
But eye don't like what this has come to,
My eyes used to want to play with you,
The perfect timing,
A glance to your lips,
Then eye was off again,
Swinging my hips.

A New Shade of Gray

by Mac Guerreiro

To think that eye could take it all along,
That eye could decide when it's done,
That's a perspective eye've never held,
Till today,
The original idea was okay,
But it consisted of swinging to the other extreme,
It's not a place where eye could do my greatest learning,
So my question has been answered,
This is the reason,
Attracting the same time and time again,
So that eye can learn to honor my own boundaries,
Six months is a good time to gauge,
And remembering that eye set the pace,
Keeping in mind that emotionless isn't my game,
Give what eye deserve and we can have some fun,
Any less and eye'm already gone.
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