Willow

By Mac Guerreiro

It ignites something in me, the first song on “Evermore.” The video furthered the feeling and suddenly Eye’m crying on my knees calling out to the universe. “Eye want to tell my stories, eye want to tell them more than anything,” eye want to feel like eye can is what eye didn’t say. Funny how this moment all of the next ones feel impossible, eye feel incapable and the future looks so hard to get to. That has to be okay because if it’s not then eye won’t be and eye refuse to believe that.

Tracking

By Mac Guerreiro

So many things eye’d like to do,
Skills to learn,
Accomplishments to earn,
Yet eye can barely track the seconds,
Can barely keep it moving,
For fear of time passing,
For fear of losing,
Then eye find myself procrastinating,
Only to shame myself for wasting,
As hard as eye try,
It’s impossible to keep track,
At times it feels that all eye have,
Is the will to hold myself intact. 

Sunken

By Mac Guerreiro

How to say this?
Eye feel hopeless,
And no words can help this right now,
No matter how true,
This is what eye was telling you,
Eye contribute to the issue,
Without even trying,
Just that thought sends me spiraling,
It’s not your doing,
Or for you to do anything about,
Just wish eye didn’t feel like the only way is to give you the out. 

The Deepest Gratitude

Eye know you read this,
You did so long before my posts became riddled with you,
What beautiful riddles they are,
All that to say,
Eye like to choose my words carefully,
And this time is no acception,
Now here’s for a bit of self-deprecation,
For the parts of me that don’t feel worthy of love,
To experience you even this long is more than enough. 

By Mac Guerreiro

Hi Eye’m Mac

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye spell I weird,
Because it lends me perspective,
Being flighty is a superpower,
One eye’ve yet to learn to harness,
My emotions run wild,
Often running me,
Eye spend much time in melancholy,
Yet find myself on joyous peaks,
Traveling from extremes,
Eye long to tell the world my truths,
Yet at times eye must hide them here,
In verses that mostly make sense to my ears,
It’s a trip others seem to connect,
100 of you to be exact,
Thank you for the support,
For reading my words,
They make sense of my world,
Which most times feels utterly absurd. 

Vicious Cycles

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye don’t know how to act differently,
She’s my baby,
Maybe it doesn’t mean anything,
Since eye freak out over little to nothing,
Yet this isn’t nothing,
And eye already feel bad for having you with me,
Why help if any part of you isn’t about it?
Eye did things on my own before,
And the weight of that feels a bit lighter than this,
That way my feelings are just mine,
Not mine and his,
And eye find myself in the victim cycle,
As if eye’ve ever left,
And wonder if Eye’m always gonna be like this. 

Powerless

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye hate that the choice was clear,
It’s as if eye never had one to make,
And eye hate it,
How much would it have cost to stay?
To refrain from putting you family in harms way?
Seems their lives are worth less than money,
On top of it all,
This keeps you from me,
The last couple days have been a mess,
Eye’ve done nothing but “rest,”
Yet it feels more like restless. 

Suddenly

By Mac Guerreiro

It comes on quickly,
Before eye know it the welling starts,
My eyes are hot,
Eye’ve learned to make it stop,
Now Eye’m wondering if eye should not. 

We Laugh

By Mac Guerreiro

It was always on my list,
Even if unconsciously,
We need to laugh,
To ease the tension,
To lighten the heavy,
We need to laugh because this is real,
With all of its intensity,
My wish was granted,
In tenfold,
We laugh so much,
We’ve developed our own jokes,
It seems that something in me always knew we would,
Eye just didn’t know it would feel this good. 

Running

By Mac Guerreiro

Self-sabotage. For a time now eye’ve struggled with the concept. You see, eye’ve compiled much evidence derived from my own personal growth journey and that of others that suggests there is no such thing when it comes down to it, because every bit of one’s being only does what they believe will benefit the whole. The trouble occurs when this aspect of self is rooted in trauma and is therefore stunted in their growth, continuing to act out the coping mechanism that worked back in childhood yet only seems to hinder now. That’s what eye believe “self-sabotage” to be. So, in order to break the cycle one must dive deeply and ask oneself the hard questions. Perhaps starting with one of the hardest: How does this destructive (as well as or simply ineffective) behavior benefit me?

From my own personal example of seeming to stay up till all hours on nights which sleep is the most important eye can say that being tired gives me a reason to not be too hard on myself if eye feel as if eye don’t measure up to the days task or tasks. The hidden positive is intriguing because usually eye am quite hard on myself. Maybe this is why this aspect is emerging. She is done with being crushed with so much pressure from her protectors (the sides of me that are radically concerned with achievement). Though it’s important to remember that those sides too have misguided coping mechanisms that can get overlooked if they are yielding the desired results for a time.

What does all of this have to do with running? Perhaps that’s what it feels like when eye deal with my fear of disappointment in this way. It feels as if Eye’m running; running my mind, running my energy…. just running.

It’s time to slow down and take a breath.