Always

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye am calling,
Do you hear me?
Eye am calling,
Through my waters,
My skies,
In the birds’ cries,
Eye call to You,
To sniff every flower,
To enjoy every one of my showers,
Be it warm in your home,
Or standing on my ground,
Eye call you to breathe in every sound,
Every sight,
Both mine and what’s projected in your mind’s eye,
Feel every touch,
And with it feel yourself clutch,
To the body you chose,
For eye can help You transpose,
The frequencies you brought from the great unknown,
To this being you call home,
Through my mountains,
My seas,
My forests,
My gentle breeze,
Eye remind you of your soul,
Of turning lead into gold,
Using the Phoenix fire that is your heart,
You turn your hardships into art,
And find me in your truest parts,
Recognize that we are the same,
My hurricanes reminiscent of your worst days,
My showers,
Macro versions of your cries,
Eye am you through different eyes,
As is all that surrounds,
Eye am calling always,
Answer me when you’re ready to be found. 

Still

By Mac Guerreiro

Stand still and clench your jaw till it hurts,
Stand still because you don’t have words,
The words you have will only detonate,
The words you have will only push him away,
Stand still and crawl out of your skin,
Stand still because you’re scared of losing,
Losing it all,
Losing him,
He says impossible but damn don’t you wanna try,
Just to prove you’re right,
But you don’t really,
It would be the biggest mistake of your life,
So you stand still,
Paralyzed,
Hoping that some way,
Some how,
You do something right,
Something to bring him closer,
Something eye can’t even think of,
Something outside of what is possible for me,
Eye stand still,
Hoping the impossible turns to possibility. 

Rabbit Hole

By Mac Guerreiro

Snip snip,
Slip slip,
Be careful now,
A minor attachment to a little thought,
And you’re going down,
Down down,
Into the rabbit hole,
The one that threatens to steal your soul,
One self hating thought,
That’s all it takes,
And you’re on your way,
Down,
Down,
When eye finally reach the bottom,
Will it make a sound?

ED

By Mac Guerreiro

A dis-ease,
A sneaky one too,
It hides,
Sometimes for so long,
Till it rears again,
And you’re left wondering if you ever healed at all,
Funny how it’s named,
When it’s not about that,
Not one bit,
How am eye back in the heat of it? 

The Start

By Mac Guerreiro

Feeling myself,
Hearing myself,
Being my Self,
It’s about fucking time isn’t it?
And yet,
This journey is infinite

Searching

By Mac Guerreiro

She’s searching for grace,
The grace she can rarely give herself,
The grace that would have helped,
The grace that never came,
And was replaced by shame,
She searches for it,
She doesn’t know it,
But when she finds it she holds on,
She tries to learn before it’s gone. 

Unpopular

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye learned something recently and it’s that when a person is rejected by their peers in their formative years the nervous system registers that as pain… physical pain. Yes, the exclusion leaves you feeling pain. For me that pain sits in my heart. It’s sat there from the moment eye first felt it. Surely it didn’t start there but middle school sucked for most and eye was no exception. Never knowing who my real friends were, finding myself accepted then just as quickly rejected by people and groups. Till this day eye’ve walked around as guarded as eye can be which is not much but eye take my time getting close or putting in effort with people because that little 13 year old is still holding on. Still terrified of the next time we’re not invited or find out we’re not liked. Terrified of never being able to trust anyone much less herself. Terrified that this pain that still lives inside will get activated. Mortified because she knows it will. She doesn’t know that once felt through she’ll grow. She doesn’t know that the only way to relief is through. She doesn’t know how long it’ll take or how many times we’ll feel this before we don’t. Eye don’t know either and eye too live in fear because this pain makes me go down a deep spiral. The shame, the shame, the shame. The inner critic rages “you’re seriously feeling this way? This is insane. Get it together. You’re not in middle school anymore. STOP ACTING LIKE A FUCKING VICTIM” Needless to say she hardly helps unless you count helping me feel worse about myself. Spoiler, shame doesn’t help heal, it stagnates healing.

So what’s the point today? There isn’t one, eye’m sad and in pain with this outlet as my release. Thank you for reading and if you feel this too know you’re not alone and your feelings are valid. Lastly, if your inner critic is as mean as mine consider that maybe that part of you NEEDS you to love it. Love it hard and fast and be with it because it didn’t learn to speak to you that way because someone chose love so choose love. Eye’m choosing love by letting her rage, by not believing her words but validating her sadness and loneliness. Eye’m choosing love by hugging her on the inside.

Self-Pity Party

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye behave like a victim,
Eye’m not easy to love,
Eye’m just too much,
Eye’m dramatic and needy,
When eye try to make you happy eye mess up,
Eye’m sad and lonely,
And people’s opinions of me affect me more than eye care to admit,
Eye try and eye try,
But eye just go back to feeling like a piece of shit,
And eye can hear it now,
“More victim bull,”
That’s right,
Tonight that’s where eye’m at,
And eye’ll deal with that. 

Scarred

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye don’t even know why eye care,
Eye’m not friends of theirs,
And they wouldn’t even know me,
If it weren’t for you,
We don’t seem to sing the same tunes,
Yet eye want them to like me,
Or eye want to not care,
Either way,
Eye’m neither here nor there,
Instead eye’m stuck in a loop,
With the mean girls from middle school,
Making judgements,
Putting up walls,
But smiling to my face,
Eye put in effort,
Learn their names,
They only seem to remember mine,
To find reasons to undermine,
Eye know this isn’t the same,
Eye know they simply want what’s best for you,
Even through all the feelings,
That eye can see,
Just wish they’d try to actually see me. 

Just Like That

By Mac Guerreiro

And just like that none of it matters,
It’s not enough,
The years of wounds that began healing,
Start unraveling.