Self-Pity Party

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye behave like a victim,
Eye’m not easy to love,
Eye’m just too much,
Eye’m dramatic and needy,
When eye try to make you happy eye mess up,
Eye’m sad and lonely,
And people’s opinions of me affect me more than eye care to admit,
Eye try and eye try,
But eye just go back to feeling like a piece of shit,
And eye can hear it now,
“More victim bull,”
That’s right,
Tonight that’s where eye’m at,
And eye’ll deal with that.

Scarred

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye don’t even know why eye care,
Eye’m not friends of theirs,
And they wouldn’t even know me,
If it weren’t for you,
We don’t seem to sing the same tunes,
Yet eye want them to like me,
Or eye want to not care,
Either way,
Eye’m neither here nor there,
Instead eye’m stuck in a loop,
With the mean girls from middle school,
Making judgements,
Putting up walls,
But smiling to my face,
Eye put in effort,
Learn their names,
They only seem to remember mine,
To find reasons to undermine,
Eye know this isn’t the same,
Eye know they simply want what’s best for you,
Even through all the feelings,
That eye can see,
Just wish they’d try to actually see me.

Eye Know

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye know you have your reasons,
Eye know you just want what’s best,
Eye know eye haven’t been that,
And eye know it’s hard to see,
If you’re not him or me,
It’s hard to find the ways,
In which eye consider him every day,
The feelings and traumas eye face,
They’re not excuses,
Eye know that,
And it’s taken me a year and a half,
But my commitment grows stronger daily,
To be aware,
To show how much eye care,
In the deepest way possible,
By working on the internal,
By hugging and tending to my own wounds,
By healing my womb,
Among other things,
The things eye wish you’d see,
The things eye work to see in me.

Upward

By Mac Guerreiro

“I want your midnights,”
“Please don’t ever become a stranger who’s laugh I could recognize anywhere”
-Taylor Swift

Lyrics that speak my soul,
That speak to my fears,
To my deepest desires,
Eye don’t know how,
But eye think eye know when,
It’s human development,
Bend or break,
We continue to bend,
Closer to each other every time,
You and eye,
The triggers are still there,
They may never cease to be,
But lately,
It’s about you and me,
A team,
Don’t get me wrong,
Fear sometimes still wins,
But eye’d be blind if eye didn’t notice,
Our upward trend,
Every day we get closer,
Finding our way to something different,
That encompasses all that we are,
Lovers,
Partners,
Best friends,
Yin and Yang.

Trusting

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye know eye have to let this go,
Last weekend,
The choices you made,
The choice,
Eye have moments when eye do,
And others where eye’m back there again,
And the pain is so real,
It’s hard to simply sit here and feel,
Because it’s all consuming,
But eye’m reminding myself,
To relish in the easier moments,
The ones in which eye remember the regret you feel,
How you’d change directions if you were back at that steering wheel,
How in spite of triggering my most ancient wound,
You’re still the safest place to go,
That you’re home to my soul.

Frozen

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye’m so sad today,
There are no other words,
Even now eye am my own worst judge,
Even now that eye understand,
How never knowing safety formed the land,
My heart,
My mind,
My nervous system,
All operating as victims,
Eye know it it,
Eye see it,
Eye work at it day by day,
Sometimes it just feels overwhelming,
Most times,
Actually.

Two-Way

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye’ve never been great at receiving,
At opening my lane on that two-way street,
Receiving love especially,
Eye’ve always felt as if my feelings weren’t real,
Because that’s what those outside of me said,
Eye internalized that,
Deeper than eye care to share,
So eye get lost in my own head,
Unable to let you in,
Even when you’re waiting at the door,
Eye turn away and stare at the floor,
Because eye’m scared,
Scared that you’ll see how powerless eye really feel,
Scared that you’ll see my wounds and decide they’re too serious to heal,
Scared that by turning towards you eye’m turning away from me,
When in truth eye’m simply opening my lane of that two-way street.

Self-Fulfilling

By Mac Guerreiro

“Why do eye have to break what eye love so much?”
That lyric plays over and over,
Because you’re right,
Eye’ve been pushing and pushing,
Towards a self-fulfilling prophecy,
Determined to be too much,
Till everything proves eye am,
Till he’s reduced to sand,
Today eye was faced with it,
The valid question,
“Do eye want to inflict suffering?”
Parts of me answered yes,
Till they realized what it meant,
And now they’re mortified,
Because they see that no amount of externalizing will fix what’s inside,
And beating you down will only make it worse,
Eye’ve been running around directing my emotions onto you like a curse,
Eye’ve been asking you to validate how eye feel,
When that’s for me to do,
Eye know it’s been almost two years,
Of pushing and beating,
And eye don’t blame you for doubting,
That anything could ever change,
Regardless of where we go or what we are,
Thank you for showing me,
What eye’ve been too blind to see,
Eye hope it’s not too late to start supporting you,
In whatever ways you need me to.
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