Always

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye am calling,
Do you hear me?
Eye am calling,
Through my waters,
My skies,
In the birds’ cries,
Eye call to You,
To sniff every flower,
To enjoy every one of my showers,
Be it warm in your home,
Or standing on my ground,
Eye call you to breathe in every sound,
Every sight,
Both mine and what’s projected in your mind’s eye,
Feel every touch,
And with it feel yourself clutch,
To the body you chose,
For eye can help You transpose,
The frequencies you brought from the great unknown,
To this being you call home,
Through my mountains,
My seas,
My forests,
My gentle breeze,
Eye remind you of your soul,
Of turning lead into gold,
Using the Phoenix fire that is your heart,
You turn your hardships into art,
And find me in your truest parts,
Recognize that we are the same,
My hurricanes reminiscent of your worst days,
My showers,
Macro versions of your cries,
Eye am you through different eyes,
As is all that surrounds,
Eye am calling always,
Answer me when you’re ready to be found. 

The Start

By Mac Guerreiro

Feeling myself,
Hearing myself,
Being my Self,
It’s about fucking time isn’t it?
And yet,
This journey is infinite

Honey

By Mac Guerreiro

Honey on your lips,
Honey like me,
Drink and we’ll see,
Succeed to be bound,
Success brings the heavenly sounds. 

Eye Refuse

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye don’t understand,

Eye can’t understand,

Eye refuse to,

How one can can hurt void of remorse and walk free,

Although that seems to be the history,

In all honesty,

Well when does it stop?

When the souls of his victims begin to rot from inside?

Because the one who harmed them gets to roam outside?

With support from so many others who turn a blind eye,

It’s come to a time in which eye can’t separate my pain from theirs,

This could happen to any of us,

Anywhere,

Yet no one seems to care,

Not enough to say enough,

Not enough to put in effort,

Not enough to hold canceling to its name,

Well eye refuse to be the same,

Some will look at me with disdain,

A mocking glance at best,

Because on this topic eye refuse to rest,

Woman were hurt,

Are being hurt,

Are being SCARRED,

Because as a society we’re cowards,

So mock me,

Call me stupid,

Do whatever you’re gonna do,

Meanwhile eye’ll keep fighting for this world to be safe for #metoo.

Free

By Mac Guerreiro

To see you this way,

Your body barely able to carry your weight,

It makes me wish to say,

“It’s okay,

You can go now,

Be on your way”

You taught me so much,

Taught us,

Taught us how to love,

It seems that you all do that,

You choose your students,

And along for the ride we go,

What a hell of a ride it is,

To have intertwined my life with his,

Till the day when the lessons are learned,

When our road is done,

And off you are to be One,

Your chosen form never gone,

Because in our hearts you live on,

Eye thought it would be harder because you’re going away,

Eye see now,

It’s harder to watch you stay,

But it’s just one more day,

One more night,

Thank you for waiting for me before taking flight,

Eye will always carry your light,

Within me it glows,

Through my actions it shows,

Eye’m so grateful to have been one of the ones you chose.

The Way

By Mac Guerreiro

We meet and we part,

That’s the way,

Yet the parting need not reach the heart,

For the core knows no bounds,

Space and time can’t keep its power at bay,

And so even through the way,

We are given a chance to stay.

Anxious Insight

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye’m starting to see,

Eye’m starting to see how this isn’t about me,

How a trail of hurt has left you scarred,

How for you this “relationship thing” is already hard,

Eye’ve been feeling wronged,

Because if roles were flipped forgiveness would have already been a given,

Bringing you closer to me once again would have been the only decision,

But the thing is that eye can see who you are,

Even in moments when eye feel that we’re apart,

And then eye check myself and ask,

“What is the image in the mirror he is holding?”

He shows me the unforgiving ice queen,

The aspect in me who can only see,

A reject or be rejected scenario,

And it’s then that my heart softens just a little,

Eye can understand what might be his intention,

In spite of the hurt from not being extended any compassion,

And the sting of not being given a well-deserved benefit of the doubt,

All of the anger is gone

And eye’m left with just the undeniable void that forms when his energy opts out,

It sits in my chest like a vacuum of sorts,

And eye feel trapped because reaching out is a last resort,

You see,

We’re not so different after all,

When eye feel rejected like this,

It takes monumental happenings to push me to make the first call,

That’s not to say eye’m not an ever-shifting ball of anxiety,

One moment fine,

The next curled up and crying,

Hoping the phone will ring and it’ll be him calling,

And eye know that eye’d come running,

Even not knowing what the best option could be,

Getting close again would be my first priority,

As eye write eye can’t help but see,

How the knowing that he’ll read this is impacting me,

Feeling more vulnerable than usual,

Eye’ll tap the final keys,

Eye hope eventually even in anger and rage,

You figure out a way to see me.

Sisters

By Mac Guerreiro

There used to be many of us,

Eye supposed we are all still here,

Merely disconnect by ignorance and fear,

But not merely,

Our disconnection has caused destruction,

It is mirrored in the calloused way many regard the Mother,

Picking her flowers and polluting her waters,

Killing her young and ancient alike,

Asking that this cease isn’t enough,

Because the problem lies within us,

Within the sisterhoods that we’re swallowed by time,

Swallowed by crimes,

Crimes of men whom feared the power,

The power deriving from the ultimate flower,

Unaware that this power wants to be shared,

Shared with the masculine that proves to be grown,

The one whom can hold his own and provide space,

Space for her energy to glow,

Flow and grow,

The ancient ones knew,

They provided red tents for us during our moons,

Brought us food and provided protection,

In exchange for the magic connection,

One we must reignite,

By joining hands in shadow and in light,

The integration begins when the sisters reunite.

Still

By Mac Guerreiro

Stand still and clench your jaw till it hurts,
Stand still because you don’t have words,
The words you have will only detonate,
The words you have will only push him away,
Stand still and crawl out of your skin,
Stand still because you’re scared of losing,
Losing it all,
Losing him,
He says impossible but damn don’t you wanna try,
Just to prove you’re right,
But you don’t really,
It would be the biggest mistake of your life,
So you stand still,
Paralyzed,
Hoping that some way,
Some how,
You do something right,
Something to bring him closer,
Something eye can’t even think of,
Something outside of what is possible for me,
Eye stand still,
Hoping the impossible turns to possibility. 

Rabbit Hole

By Mac Guerreiro

Snip snip,
Slip slip,
Be careful now,
A minor attachment to a little thought,
And you’re going down,
Down down,
Into the rabbit hole,
The one that threatens to steal your soul,
One self hating thought,
That’s all it takes,
And you’re on your way,
Down,
Down,
When eye finally reach the bottom,
Will it make a sound?

ED

By Mac Guerreiro

A dis-ease,
A sneaky one too,
It hides,
Sometimes for so long,
Till it rears again,
And you’re left wondering if you ever healed at all,
Funny how it’s named,
When it’s not about that,
Not one bit,
How am eye back in the heat of it? 

Searching

By Mac Guerreiro

She’s searching for grace,
The grace she can rarely give herself,
The grace that would have helped,
The grace that never came,
And was replaced by shame,
She searches for it,
She doesn’t know it,
But when she finds it she holds on,
She tries to learn before it’s gone. 

Unpopular

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye learned something recently and it’s that when a person is rejected by their peers in their formative years the nervous system registers that as pain… physical pain. Yes, the exclusion leaves you feeling pain. For me that pain sits in my heart. It’s sat there from the moment eye first felt it. Surely it didn’t start there but middle school sucked for most and eye was no exception. Never knowing who my real friends were, finding myself accepted then just as quickly rejected by people and groups. Till this day eye’ve walked around as guarded as eye can be which is not much but eye take my time getting close or putting in effort with people because that little 13 year old is still holding on. Still terrified of the next time we’re not invited or find out we’re not liked. Terrified of never being able to trust anyone much less herself. Terrified that this pain that still lives inside will get activated. Mortified because she knows it will. She doesn’t know that once felt through she’ll grow. She doesn’t know that the only way to relief is through. She doesn’t know how long it’ll take or how many times we’ll feel this before we don’t. Eye don’t know either and eye too live in fear because this pain makes me go down a deep spiral. The shame, the shame, the shame. The inner critic rages “you’re seriously feeling this way? This is insane. Get it together. You’re not in middle school anymore. STOP ACTING LIKE A FUCKING VICTIM” Needless to say she hardly helps unless you count helping me feel worse about myself. Spoiler, shame doesn’t help heal, it stagnates healing.

So what’s the point today? There isn’t one, eye’m sad and in pain with this outlet as my release. Thank you for reading and if you feel this too know you’re not alone and your feelings are valid. Lastly, if your inner critic is as mean as mine consider that maybe that part of you NEEDS you to love it. Love it hard and fast and be with it because it didn’t learn to speak to you that way because someone chose love so choose love. Eye’m choosing love by letting her rage, by not believing her words but validating her sadness and loneliness. Eye’m choosing love by hugging her on the inside.

Self-Pity Party

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye behave like a victim,
Eye’m not easy to love,
Eye’m just too much,
Eye’m dramatic and needy,
When eye try to make you happy eye mess up,
Eye’m sad and lonely,
And people’s opinions of me affect me more than eye care to admit,
Eye try and eye try,
But eye just go back to feeling like a piece of shit,
And eye can hear it now,
“More victim bull,”
That’s right,
Tonight that’s where eye’m at,
And eye’ll deal with that. 

Scarred

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye don’t even know why eye care,
Eye’m not friends of theirs,
And they wouldn’t even know me,
If it weren’t for you,
We don’t seem to sing the same tunes,
Yet eye want them to like me,
Or eye want to not care,
Either way,
Eye’m neither here nor there,
Instead eye’m stuck in a loop,
With the mean girls from middle school,
Making judgements,
Putting up walls,
But smiling to my face,
Eye put in effort,
Learn their names,
They only seem to remember mine,
To find reasons to undermine,
Eye know this isn’t the same,
Eye know they simply want what’s best for you,
Even through all the feelings,
That eye can see,
Just wish they’d try to actually see me. 

Just Like That

By Mac Guerreiro

And just like that none of it matters,
It’s not enough,
The years of wounds that began healing,
Start unraveling.