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Eye Refuse

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye don’t understand,

Eye can’t understand,

Eye refuse to,

How one can can hurt void of remorse and walk free,

Although that seems to be the history,

In all honesty,

Well when does it stop?

When the souls of his victims begin to rot from inside?

Because the one who harmed them gets to roam outside?

With support from so many others who turn a blind eye,

It’s come to a time in which eye can’t separate my pain from theirs,

This could happen to any of us,

Anywhere,

Yet no one seems to care,

Not enough to say enough,

Not enough to put in effort,

Not enough to hold canceling to its name,

Well eye refuse to be the same,

Some will look at me with disdain,

A mocking glance at best,

Because on this topic eye refuse to rest,

Woman were hurt,

Are being hurt,

Are being SCARRED,

Because as a society we’re cowards,

So mock me,

Call me stupid,

Do whatever you’re gonna do,

Meanwhile eye’ll keep fighting for this world to be safe for #metoo.

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Free

By Mac Guerreiro

To see you this way,

Your body barely able to carry your weight,

It makes me wish to say,

“It’s okay,

You can go now,

Be on your way”

You taught me so much,

Taught us,

Taught us how to love,

It seems that you all do that,

You choose your students,

And along for the ride we go,

What a hell of a ride it is,

To have intertwined my life with his,

Till the day when the lessons are learned,

When our road is done,

And off you are to be One,

Your chosen form never gone,

Because in our hearts you live on,

Eye thought it would be harder because you’re going away,

Eye see now,

It’s harder to watch you stay,

But it’s just one more day,

One more night,

Thank you for waiting for me before taking flight,

Eye will always carry your light,

Within me it glows,

Through my actions it shows,

Eye’m so grateful to have been one of the ones you chose.

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Anxious Insight

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye’m starting to see,

Eye’m starting to see how this isn’t about me,

How a trail of hurt has left you scarred,

How for you this “relationship thing” is already hard,

Eye’ve been feeling wronged,

Because if roles were flipped forgiveness would have already been a given,

Bringing you closer to me once again would have been the only decision,

But the thing is that eye can see who you are,

Even in moments when eye feel that we’re apart,

And then eye check myself and ask,

“What is the image in the mirror he is holding?”

He shows me the unforgiving ice queen,

The aspect in me who can only see,

A reject or be rejected scenario,

And it’s then that my heart softens just a little,

Eye can understand what might be his intention,

In spite of the hurt from not being extended any compassion,

And the sting of not being given a well-deserved benefit of the doubt,

All of the anger is gone

And eye’m left with just the undeniable void that forms when his energy opts out,

It sits in my chest like a vacuum of sorts,

And eye feel trapped because reaching out is a last resort,

You see,

We’re not so different after all,

When eye feel rejected like this,

It takes monumental happenings to push me to make the first call,

That’s not to say eye’m not an ever-shifting ball of anxiety,

One moment fine,

The next curled up and crying,

Hoping the phone will ring and it’ll be him calling,

And eye know that eye’d come running,

Even not knowing what the best option could be,

Getting close again would be my first priority,

As eye write eye can’t help but see,

How the knowing that he’ll read this is impacting me,

Feeling more vulnerable than usual,

Eye’ll tap the final keys,

Eye hope eventually even in anger and rage,

You figure out a way to see me.

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Sisters

By Mac Guerreiro

There used to be many of us,

Eye supposed we are all still here,

Merely disconnect by ignorance and fear,

But not merely,

Our disconnection has caused destruction,

It is mirrored in the calloused way many regard the Mother,

Picking her flowers and polluting her waters,

Killing her young and ancient alike,

Asking that this cease isn’t enough,

Because the problem lies within us,

Within the sisterhoods that we’re swallowed by time,

Swallowed by crimes,

Crimes of men whom feared the power,

The power deriving from the ultimate flower,

Unaware that this power wants to be shared,

Shared with the masculine that proves to be grown,

The one whom can hold his own and provide space,

Space for her energy to glow,

Flow and grow,

The ancient ones knew,

They provided red tents for us during our moons,

Brought us food and provided protection,

In exchange for the magic connection,

One we must reignite,

By joining hands in shadow and in light,

The integration begins when the sisters reunite.

Unpopular

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye learned something recently and it’s that when a person is rejected by their peers in their formative years the nervous system registers that as pain… physical pain. Yes, the exclusion leaves you feeling pain. For me that pain sits in my heart. It’s sat there from the moment eye first felt it. Surely it didn’t start there but middle school sucked for most and eye was no exception. Never knowing who my real friends were, finding myself accepted then just as quickly rejected by people and groups. Till this day eye’ve walked around as guarded as eye can be which is not much but eye take my time getting close or putting in effort with people because that little 13 year old is still holding on. Still terrified of the next time we’re not invited or find out we’re not liked. Terrified of never being able to trust anyone much less herself. Terrified that this pain that still lives inside will get activated. Mortified because she knows it will. She doesn’t know that once felt through she’ll grow. She doesn’t know that the only way to relief is through. She doesn’t know how long it’ll take or how many times we’ll feel this before we don’t. Eye don’t know either and eye too live in fear because this pain makes me go down a deep spiral. The shame, the shame, the shame. The inner critic rages “you’re seriously feeling this way? This is insane. Get it together. You’re not in middle school anymore. STOP ACTING LIKE A FUCKING VICTIM” Needless to say she hardly helps unless you count helping me feel worse about myself. Spoiler, shame doesn’t help heal, it stagnates healing.

So what’s the point today? There isn’t one, eye’m sad and in pain with this outlet as my release. Thank you for reading and if you feel this too know you’re not alone and your feelings are valid. Lastly, if your inner critic is as mean as mine consider that maybe that part of you NEEDS you to love it. Love it hard and fast and be with it because it didn’t learn to speak to you that way because someone chose love so choose love. Eye’m choosing love by letting her rage, by not believing her words but validating her sadness and loneliness. Eye’m choosing love by hugging her on the inside.

Self-Pity Party

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye behave like a victim,
Eye’m not easy to love,
Eye’m just too much,
Eye’m dramatic and needy,
When eye try to make you happy eye mess up,
Eye’m sad and lonely,
And people’s opinions of me affect me more than eye care to admit,
Eye try and eye try,
But eye just go back to feeling like a piece of shit,
And eye can hear it now,
“More victim bull,”
That’s right,
Tonight that’s where eye’m at,
And eye’ll deal with that.

Scarred

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye don’t even know why eye care,
Eye’m not friends of theirs,
And they wouldn’t even know me,
If it weren’t for you,
We don’t seem to sing the same tunes,
Yet eye want them to like me,
Or eye want to not care,
Either way,
Eye’m neither here nor there,
Instead eye’m stuck in a loop,
With the mean girls from middle school,
Making judgements,
Putting up walls,
But smiling to my face,
Eye put in effort,
Learn their names,
They only seem to remember mine,
To find reasons to undermine,
Eye know this isn’t the same,
Eye know they simply want what’s best for you,
Even through all the feelings,
That eye can see,
Just wish they’d try to actually see me.

Eye Know

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye know you have your reasons,
Eye know you just want what’s best,
Eye know eye haven’t been that,
And eye know it’s hard to see,
If you’re not him or me,
It’s hard to find the ways,
In which eye consider him every day,
The feelings and traumas eye face,
They’re not excuses,
Eye know that,
And it’s taken me a year and a half,
But my commitment grows stronger daily,
To be aware,
To show how much eye care,
In the deepest way possible,
By working on the internal,
By hugging and tending to my own wounds,
By healing my womb,
Among other things,
The things eye wish you’d see,
The things eye work to see in me.

Upward

By Mac Guerreiro

“I want your midnights,”
“Please don’t ever become a stranger who’s laugh I could recognize anywhere”
-Taylor Swift

Lyrics that speak my soul,
That speak to my fears,
To my deepest desires,
Eye don’t know how,
But eye think eye know when,
It’s human development,
Bend or break,
We continue to bend,
Closer to each other every time,
You and eye,
The triggers are still there,
They may never cease to be,
But lately,
It’s about you and me,
A team,
Don’t get me wrong,
Fear sometimes still wins,
But eye’d be blind if eye didn’t notice,
Our upward trend,
Every day we get closer,
Finding our way to something different,
That encompasses all that we are,
Lovers,
Partners,
Best friends,
Yin and Yang.

Trusting

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye know eye have to let this go,
Last weekend,
The choices you made,
The choice,
Eye have moments when eye do,
And others where eye’m back there again,
And the pain is so real,
It’s hard to simply sit here and feel,
Because it’s all consuming,
But eye’m reminding myself,
To relish in the easier moments,
The ones in which eye remember the regret you feel,
How you’d change directions if you were back at that steering wheel,
How in spite of triggering my most ancient wound,
You’re still the safest place to go,
That you’re home to my soul.
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