Aftershocks

By Mac Guerreiro

As eye heard you mention how it affects you eye couldn’t hold it in any longer because the voices that keep me on edge affecting you add more voices to the cacophony. The one running rampant in my brain, the one that eye can’t turn off but can’t disobey. Yes eye know the disarray, eye know it well. If it affects you like this, imagine what it is to be at its center. To be the one the voices are yelling at. Eye couldn’t take it anymore because eye already feel crazy in those moments. Crazy, neurotic, most of all unlovable. Never mind the thoughts that say “see, if you can’t stop being this way he’ll leave for sure. He’s saying he’d rather you not be together if you can’t be yourself” and eye retort “but this isn’t what eye want. Eye don’t want to be this way… eye didn’t ask for this anxiety. Eye’m trying my best…. Eye know it’s not enough…” The voices come back strong, strong and cold “it doesn’t matter, this is what you are, maybe what you’ll always be.” Eye am frozen, wanting to cry, wanting to breathe harder, wanting… Wanting to be held, told it’s okay. That eye am not unlovable or insufferable. That eye can work through this over time. By the time the apology comes eye’m too far gone. Rolling away with the aftershock of the triggering interaction. Feeling so awful about myself for having triggered you with my crazy. All eye can think is “how can anyone love me?”