Unpopular

By Mac Guerreiro

Eye learned something recently and it’s that when a person is rejected by their peers in their formative years the nervous system registers that as pain… physical pain. Yes, the exclusion leaves you feeling pain. For me that pain sits in my heart. It’s sat there from the moment eye first felt it. Surely it didn’t start there but middle school sucked for most and eye was no exception. Never knowing who my real friends were, finding myself accepted then just as quickly rejected by people and groups. Till this day eye’ve walked around as guarded as eye can be which is not much but eye take my time getting close or putting in effort with people because that little 13 year old is still holding on. Still terrified of the next time we’re not invited or find out we’re not liked. Terrified of never being able to trust anyone much less herself. Terrified that this pain that still lives inside will get activated. Mortified because she knows it will. She doesn’t know that once felt through she’ll grow. She doesn’t know that the only way to relief is through. She doesn’t know how long it’ll take or how many times we’ll feel this before we don’t. Eye don’t know either and eye too live in fear because this pain makes me go down a deep spiral. The shame, the shame, the shame. The inner critic rages “you’re seriously feeling this way? This is insane. Get it together. You’re not in middle school anymore. STOP ACTING LIKE A FUCKING VICTIM” Needless to say she hardly helps unless you count helping me feel worse about myself. Spoiler, shame doesn’t help heal, it stagnates healing.

So what’s the point today? There isn’t one, eye’m sad and in pain with this outlet as my release. Thank you for reading and if you feel this too know you’re not alone and your feelings are valid. Lastly, if your inner critic is as mean as mine consider that maybe that part of you NEEDS you to love it. Love it hard and fast and be with it because it didn’t learn to speak to you that way because someone chose love so choose love. Eye’m choosing love by letting her rage, by not believing her words but validating her sadness and loneliness. Eye’m choosing love by hugging her on the inside.