Okay

By Mac Guerreiro

As eye mentioned working out just my legs a few days per week he told me, “yes just work that booty for me” and instantly eye reminded him that this is for me too if not more so…. A pure reaction, not a moment to tailor my words or even question the ones rushing out of my mouth. “You don’t have to say it like that, but I get it” was his response and eye couldn’t help but feel shitty. Why DID eye have to say it like that? Why did eye have to take a moment in which he was pulling me closer and return it with a push away? That same question is what prompted this blog.

When eye was little eye experienced this sort of “doll on a shelf” existence in which eye made myself what was acceptable to my father regardless of if it meant ripping away very visceral and necessary aspects of myself. Eye don’t remember much before the age of nine but eye can only imagine the emotional trauma that filled those years due to this and other things. Naturally eye lost much of my identity before even knowing what it was and later on eye dated men that eye often lost myself for through no asking of their own; it was default.

Now, eye find myself in a relationship in which eye can have him and have me also. When eye think every bit of me knows this, moments like the one described above happen as a way to remind me that the scared little girl that became everything others encouraged her to be at her expense is still in here. Not only that but she’s terrified of losing herself again especially when we’re just finding our way. Eye heard her and through writing this Eye’m letting her know that it’s okay to be afraid and that it’s okay to work on our booty for both ourselves and him. It’s okay to have us and have him too. It’s okay to stand still instead of push away. It’s okay.