By Mac Guerreiro
Eye feel rejected. Eye presented the choices, eye knew the answer could very well be the one eye desired least and eye thought eye prepared myself for that. However, when the choice was made, eye still felt rejected. Perhaps it’s the fact that eye should have payed better attention earlier today, should have stopped him in his tracks when eye sensed his discomfort… eye suppose that somewhere in my mind eye trusted he would stop on his own accord should such a level of discomfort present itself. He didn’t stop, eye didn’t stop him and now eye feel that eye’ve done something wrong. Not just done something wrong, but rather betrayed his trust by not being attuned enough to his state.
Eye can’t stand the idea of hurting someone eye love due to my own self-absorption. Eye’m certain that is so because the way eye survived in my childhood was by being hyper-attuned, super aware of the states of those around me. Eye did this to prevent myself from ever crossing a line that would leave me abandoned by those eye loved. In this case, eye know he won’t leave, but simply because my mind knows this, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a child inside me that vows to never make that mistake again because she has a very difficult time fathoming the idea that she could have helped, but didn’t. She could have prevented pain and maybe changed the outcome… whatever that really means in a universe with endless potentialities for every given situation.
To wrap this up, no gain in my favor is a true gain when it came at the detriment of someone eye love.