By Mac Guerreiro
Eye’m pretty decent at feeling my feelings, or rather, that’s what eye’d like to believe. Eye’m pretty decent until eye feel shame for it. Until eye encounter territory in which feelings are frowned upon. That’s what dating feels like in LA in 2019. In a city full of people whom no longer value getting to know someone without having six side fucks simultaneously eye feel, for the first time ever, utterly hopeless. It also doesn’t help that pretending not to have feelings is even harder for me than just expressing my undesirable ones so eventually the ‘cool girl’ thing doesn’t work anymore and eye either have to be real with the fuckboi of the moment or let it go sans closure.
“Why get involved with fuckbois?” You ask? Well, it honestly feels like all males in LA that eye seem to be attracted to fall under the ‘good guy fuckboi’ catagory. You know the type, he’s sweet, loves his mom, but he too isn’t looking to build a connection if even a friendship, he’s looking to fuck. With these men eye always end up feeling like eye lost, because in this horrific game that dating has become whomever cares least is the winner. Never have eye ever been the one to care least in most if any situations eye put myself in. Then eye ask myself, “why do eye have to look at this like a power play?” The answer to that is simple and kind of sad; because if eye see it that way maybe eye’ll play the game ‘right’ and ‘win’ this time… It doesn’t often, if ever, happen that way.
What’s the point of this blog? To help me come to terms with my shame around feeling. To help me own up to the fact that eye will never be the ‘cool girl’ if ‘cool’ means no or very little emotion. Eye may always be scared of being real about how eye feel so long as my dating environment remains the same and eye do too. Today eye have a choice, own up to a lie because eye’m embarrassed (so embarrassed that eye lied about the lie 🤦🏽♀️) and explain my weird behavior that stemmed from my attempts to pretend that eye don’t feel any of these things. To be honest, eye don’t know what will come of it, but that’s not the point. The point is to honor myself regardless of what others do. Maybe, just maybe, that’s a better way to play and maybe, just maybe, this way eye won’t feel like it’s always a zero sum game.