by Mac Guerreiro
She was always told “you’re too much.” Her feelings, her opinions, the intensity with which she appeared to do everything. Eventually as her voice became louder, a coping mechanism for being “trapped” in a small frame, the idea became “you’re too loud.” With all of this criticism towards an energy that was as much part of her as her own left hand she began to fragment; putting pieces of herself in neat boxes that could be clearly labeled and therefore identified. Anything that didn’t qualify (loud, angry, bossy, sensitive, etc) was rejected and deeply buried into a place so dark that it would be years before the sun would rise there again.
Fast forward, she’s older now, an adult. She’s re-owned much of what she’s denied, recovered many lost children within and yet… there’s something off. It’s true that healing is an ongoing journey and one needn’t be fully healed to feel the bliss and satisfaction of being more conscious than she used to be but this feeling was… constricting. Having become aware of this constant sensation she began to take note of when it would be particularly strong. To her surprise it would occur in unexpected situations such as in a restaurant where she would be dining alone and notice the emotions of patrons across the room. She observed how quickly she was to throw her own energy outside of herself and into direct concern for the stranger and those involved the situation she knew nothing about.
She also began to notice how when she would go places she would attempt to shrink her energy. It wasn’t very effective yet it took so much effort to do so. Upon realizing this she started to ask herself “what would be so bad about stepping into my spacious energy? What would be so terrible about taking up space?” At this, parts of her cringed in fear, that constricting feeling again. That’s when she started to really understand where these lost inner children were coming from. In their world taking up too much space would have meant pure isolation. Those children still live in that world. So, with all of her magick and will she reached a hand to her heart spoke inward “You will no longer be punished for taking up space, from now on you may take up all of the room that you deem necessary and eye will help you.”
The familiar feeling of integration arises as she takes a deeper breath than she could have managed before and lets it out with a satisfied sigh. It would take practice to stand in her full power and it would be something that would bring about much discomfort at times, but she looked forward to it all. Now that she’d seen that the world is her stage and being is perfect she would no longer use her precious energy to make herself small.